I have been trying to write since I moved to Seattle… really, I have been! But, I haven’t found the words to describe what I’ve experienced here. It’s been a whirlwind of ups and downs. I’ve thrown myself into work, into friendships, into fitting in. I couldn’t be happier with my decision to move out here, but I also don’t have a clue what I’m doing.
MAVERICK is still very much alive and guiding my every decision. That’s been my constant, and I’m so proud of that. Despite the current doubts, confusion, and lack of direction, I have been able to trust in my inner self and make decisions a-CORE-dingly. Good, huh?
As I sat down to finally make my Seattle debut on my own blog, I found myself looking at not-so-little blurbs I had jotted down shortly after settling in here.
This one from November stuck out to me, so I’m going to share it:
“I was in the middle of writing something great. Something I truly believed in. Something I felt like was going somewhere important. But, I keep getting interrupted. Either my brain decides it’s not in the same mood anymore or I lose my train of thought. I guess that’s probably why I’ve never been able to write a book, despite always wanting to do so.
I just made this giant leap, this giant decision to go on some great adventure. But, I ended a marriage. I abandoned a business. I left many relationships hanging wide open. Am I proud of my decision to do something that brings me joy? Hell. Yes. But, do I worry that I will do the same thing every 3-5 years? Also a yes. Because when is the last time I stuck with anything? I think the longest thing I’ve ever done is k-8 grade. School. And even that I tried to get out of.
It’s not like I don’t love doing these things. I do, really. Soccer – loved it. Personal training – loved it. Hiking the AT – loved it. So why do I stop? Why do I move on to something else before I let my potential run its course? Or has it… and that’s why I leave?
Here I sit, rambling on in circles. I’ve just moved to a new city. I just started a new job. I just entered new friendships and am in the middle of developing a new routine. Can I say that this time it will be different when I am amidst all of the newness and excitement? I find myself feeling fulfilled and challenged and excited and everything I say I’ve been searching for. But then, I also worry. Where am I headed? What are my goals? What do I want? Can I stay here and be content? Is this actually fulfilling me or do I just like to feel important? Am I where I’m meant to be?
I hate that phrase. Is it even real? ‘Where I’m meant to be.’ Do any of us know for sure where we are meant to be? And how can we be sure? Just because that inner voice feels heard? Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s important. But, I also think that we decide what that inner voice is saying. Deep down, we want to serve our own selfish desires.
Here’s the truth about mine – I always assume there’s something better. I like being told I’m doing a good job, I like winning, I like being liked, I like being noticed, I like being chased, I like the attention I get when I’m in my zone. So, do I sell myself short? I think so. Because I’m afraid that if I go too far, if I get “locked in” to something, then I won’t be able to chase something better. Or, if I do go and chase, I’ll hurt a bunch of people… again. I don’t want to be stuck. Ever. Anywhere. I can’t take the pain of restarting again.
I think that’s the first time I’ve been honest about that. Now what do I do?”
Welp… new city, new job, new friends, new me, same old crap.
I have to remind myself daily that I have come very far from where I was a year ago. I have to actively reflect and think to myself that I made the right decisions. Despite still feeling lost and unsure, I know that I am no longer a part of the toxic environment I was once in. That’s a big deal. I am grateful for this truth. I’m not discounting any of the strength it took to get me here, or the growth that took place in the process.
What I am concerned about is that less than a year later, I’m already feeling the discomfort of not belonging. The all-too-familiar pangs of loneliness, insecurity, and longing for more creep up daily.
The bigger lesson learned? I can’t out-run myself. I have eliminated people, places, and things that were keeping me from my potential. But I have yet to tackle the biggest obstacle in my path: myself.
I started to. You read it here. You came along with me as I faced the demons of my past, admitted the truth of being a wounded child, and let myself feel the things I spent 26 years ignoring. Childhood Maggie is all taken care of. But, what about now? What about present Maggie?
Despite my mindset changing and my attitude evolving, I am still stuck in some pretty nasty habits. I still think a certain way, I still behave in a certain way… and, aren’t I the one that says every 5 minuts, “what you focus on you find?” How can I do the same things and expect to be different?
I gave the bull-headed approach a shot. Now that the “newness” has simmered down, I want to try a different method. I ready again to put in more work. I want to take my time and see it through.
While I typically like to do things myself, I finally admitted that I couldn’t do this alone. I’m happy to announce that I hired a life coach. The most milenial thing I could do right? But, hey, cliche or not, I need the accountability, the motivation, and the companionship.
Part of the MAVERICK movement is recognizing that community is important. I want people who relate to and understand this way of thinking (ramble-y and repetitive as it is), to be able to come together and be okay with who they are. My hope is for us to find comfort in togetherness. Yet, here I have been trying to go at it alone.
And beyond that, I am trying to skip to the ending. As easy as it is for me to write about these things, and even to share them aloud, I have a hard time hitting the “publish” button at the top right of my screen. I keep thinking, “I’ll share this once I’ve got it figured out.” I always kind of thought that I’d make my brand “public” once it was already built. But, I’m finally learning that the beauty within MAVERICK is that it’s not perfect. It’s not a one-size-fits-all, it’s not a end-all-be-all, it’s not a declaration that we can never change, and it’s never “finished.” We are a humans in a constant state of change, growth, and learning.
Key word: Human.
Being a human means that we aren’t perfect. We aren’t ever going to have it all figured out. We aren’t ever going to be 100% 24/7… and that’s okay! So why should I think I’m any different? Just the other day at work one of my team members said to me, “I’m glad you’re having a bad day. I look up to you, and it’s nice to know you’re human.” I can’t get those words out of my head. I can’t un-see the physical relief I saw in her knowing that I was not this robot-super-MAVERICK-person, but I was a human. A relatable, not-so-perfect, real-life human.
Peta Kelly, one of my all-time favorite people, says it best “…regardless of how epic we humans become and how many astronomical things we create, people will still wanna hear about how freaking tough it was to do it, how loud our fears got, how our doubt almost killed us… But how we did it despite being a human and because we are human.”
I’m going to build MAVERICK out-loud. Because I do feel in my soul that this is where I’m meant to be. Present, figuring it out, human.
I’m going to mess it up. I’m going to have days when I don’t think it’s worth it. I’m going to change what it looks like a bajillion times. I’m going to sit and wonder why I bother doing any of this — if anyone is listening, if anyone cares, if I’m helping anyone at all or just wasting my time. BUT, I’m going to keep going. I believe in it: I believe in me, I believe in you, I believe in the human ability to connect and alter the energy of the world around them.
I promise to remind myself every day:
I am Mindful.
I am Authentic.
I have Vitality.
I love and respect the Earth and it’s beings.
I live from a place of Rawness and Realness.
I chase my purpose with Intensity.
I have an abundant stream of Creativity.
I give and receive Kindness.