I turned green this week. Not because I was sick or anything (I very rarely am! Oh wait, that’s a different topic…), but because jealousy dug it’s claws into my life.
As usual, I’m going to say the things we aren’t supposed to say. Stick with me to the end, though. I promise there’s a happy ending.
To keep a long story short – or in my case, to keep a novel medium-length – I am jealous because others are getting recognized for things I believe I deserve. I put my heart and soul into my day job. I studied and memorized the information, I put in the over-time, I stayed positive when things got tough, I generated operations that will be used for years to come, I made a strong effort to get to know the team of over 100 employees, I asked for feedback, I tried to improve, I trained global teams on passion and operations, I humbly trained my superiors, and I was loyal and honest and authentic from day 1. Not to say other members of my team were not these things, but I know without a doubt that I was one of the top performers. I did my job with integrity, with open communication, and while bringing joy to others (most days, I’m human!).
Sadly, the only time I heard my leaders say “you’re doing a great job,” was when I was crying in the stair-well begging them for the validation. I would be at my lowest points, exploding all the pent-up frustrations, desperately needing to hear that I was important, just so I could go back out there and know why I put up with all the hard stuff and to start kicking-ass again. Over time I noticed that I was being asked to lead in a loving, empowering way; to deliver compliment sandwiches and inspire motivation from within my teammates, but I was not being shown the same courtesies. I noticed a trend of “do what I say, not what I do.” It slowly wore down my spirit.
Finally, I decided to take another position.
I tried to “be the change.” I tried to politely and professionally ask for better communication. I tried to explain to my leaders what type of environment I would thrive in – to no avail. I ran out of energy. I ran out of reasons why I should keep showing up.
Staying with the company in whose values I agree with, I am coming up on my last day in my current position, and transferring to a different business area.
Some other teammates have also decided to leave, for one-reason-or-another. And I am watching them receive gifts, awards, hugs, praise, recognition, and heart-felt goodbyes. Watching. Not, also receiving. Just watching.
And it’s making my skin crawl. The voice in my head is constantly spewing out negativity:
- No one cares that you’re leaving
- You didn’t make an impact, that’s why no one is noticing that you’re leaving
- They don’t like you as much as the others
- The others are nicer, and more fun to be around
- Maybe if you were more positive, people would care
- Maybe if you didn’t give up and leave, people would be more proud
- No one notices you
- You don’t matter
- You are insignificant
- Seriously, they are getting recognized?
- They didn’t work as hard as you
- You were better than all of them, you deserve that stuff and more
- You built this team, how could they not see you?
Please tell me you’ve been here? It’s horrible. I know it’s horrible.
But, it’s also real.
I’ve struggled with little moments like this over the past few months while building MAVERICK. I see other successful writers, I see other people living with financial and time freedom, I see people younger than me living in a way I only dream about right now, and I think to myself, “why isn’t that me? I want what they have.”
But, that’s all comparison. And it fades the more committed I become to my goals (and honestly, after a snack! Cue: Snickers commercials), because I know without a doubt I will get there.
This day-job situation… it’s a deeper disappointment. I put in the effort. I did the work. I went above and beyond for a team, a brand, a company that I cared about because I believed in them. Now I’m moving on, and I don’t think they believe in me. I don’t know if I made a difference.
Wow. Those words hurt.
I don’t know if I made a difference.
*pause for tears
Should we get to the happy ending?
Today, I felt all this. For real, I let myself think the horrible thoughts, say the horrible words, and feel the horrible feels. Because, let’s be honest, they weren’t going anywhere until I did. They want to be heard just as much as I want to be seen!
Once I got it all out my system, I had to laugh. Why? Because none of this matters.
Why am I leaving this job? I went back and forth with the decision for weeks. Sure, I believe in it, but I also believe in ME. I believe I deserve an environment I can thrive in.
A trusted mentor asked me one question that changed the game for me: “What is your dream? Make the decision that will support that dream, and never look back.”
DUH! MAVERICK always changes the game!! The question became “what does MAVERICK need from me to be successful?” Better hours, more energy, more time, and more positive-vibes. I spend 40-50 hours a week in an environment that pulls me away from MAVERICK. Starting next week I will be spending 30-40 hours a week in an environment that provides me an income while my business grows, gives me a creative outlet to bring back to MAVERICK, allows me to meet new people, allows me to practice leading and inspiring others, and which I can call my “side-gig” while MAVERICK expands exponentially!
When I focus on that, when I focus on my dream, all of the green fades away. Because it’s not for me. I don’t need it. I am exactly where I’m meant to be, on a path that I’m proud of, and that’s all the recognition I need. I am beyond blessed to have such a vivid and attainable dream that fulfills me, without needing anyone else to tell me it’s good. When I am in the MAVERICK zone, I am released of all the corporate-woes that come with working for someone else’s vision.
Seriously… finding your MAVERICK changes everything. When you are in-line with your vision, when you are authentically yourself, when you are pursuing the things that light-you-up, everything else is easy. I don’t need to compare with others, because my path is completely my own! I don’t need to be jealous of what other’s have because what I have is amazing! I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m doing a good job, because I feel in my bones that I am doing my very best!
I feel gratefulness. I feel abundance. I feel joy. I feel passion. I feel excited. I feel compassionate. I feel giving. I feel fun everywhere. I feel peace. I feel connection.
I feel mindful. I feel authentic. I feel vitatlity. I feel earth-love. I feel raw and real. I feel intensity. I feel creativity. I feel kindness.
Now, I can look at the others who are leaving and I can honestly say that I am honored to have gotten the opportunity to get to know them. I am overjoyed that they are moving forward towards their goals as well. I am proud that my teammates are being recognized and rewarded for their hard work. And I am humbled by the sincerity in the heartfelt goodbye hugs that I will continue to give these last few days.
(God. Source. Almighty Toaster-In-The-Sky. You pick…)
Thank you. My energy is back on track. I am again overflowing with gratefulness that you have chosen me to deliver the MAVERICK-vision to the world. I am humbled by the power that exists when I am exactly who you’ve designed me to be – – dad moves, corny puns, impatience, whole-body-smile and all!! I love that you give me the space to work through the messes and find my way back to my zone.
I trust you. I trust that this vision is important, that I am important. I trust that you are working on things I can’t even see yet to make this vision a reality. Despite my impatience, I trust your timing. I look forward to the things you have in store.
Maggie Adele _ M.A.V.E.R.I.C.K.
This needed to be written. You all know by now that I go-with-the-flow. Tonight, I had a gut-feeling that this needed to be published. Someone needed this. I was afraid to make this one public because I was embarrassed by the level of petty jealousy I fell to. I was afraid to share it because I’m sure that many of my co-workers will read this, and maybe change their opinion of me. I worried that my leaders would read this and be angered or hurt by my thought processes during this change of employment. Worst of all, I was worried that others would assume that this post was a pity-cry for recognition. [Hear me: It. Is. Not. ]
But again… MAVERICK. Authentic. Raw and Real. Intense. It’s part of my DNA. Sometimes to stay true to ourselves, we have to push through the uneasy moments and do what we feel is right.
As always, thank you for the space to be myself; to be human. The love and support of the ever-growing MavPack goes beyond any recognition I could ever ask for.
** Side Note: huge shoutout to the teammates who did share their love and appreciation throughout the struggle. I see you.