I Am Scared

Success is a funny thing, isn’t it?

First of all, who defines it? I hope the answer is you. You define it for yourself.

Sure, we let all sorts of people and experiences influence how we define it, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live with your success. Do you feel fulfilled? Accomplished? Satisfied? Or are you still searching? Still looking for more?

Let’s say you do have this image of success for yourself. You know, the whole “If I have this then I’ll know I made it” kind of dreams. You work really hard towards them, you let them consume you, you tell all your friends and family that you’re not stopping until you get there, and so on… But, you kind of self-sabotage yourself so you never actually get there.

Kind of counter-intuitive. You’re mad that you aren’t where you want to be, but you are quite literally standing in your own way. The struggle is real.

And it’s normal.

At least I hope so… or we’re gunna have to start our own club for our weird asses.

But, anyway. Surprise, surprise, I’m going to talk about myself now.

MAVERICK.

We know it. We love it. We believe in it. Heck, it’s growing every day, it excites the hell out of me, and for some amazing reason, it’s exciting other people as well.

But it’s small. Smaller then it should be for how much I work on it. Smaller than it should be for the measure of success I have for it: full-time income.

The questions I’ve asked myself include: “why hasn’t this taken off yet?” “why aren’t people jumping on board faster?” “why am I working so hard on this if it isn’t going to work?” “what am I doing wrong?”

There are very logical responses to all of this: “The content is inconsistent.” “I don’t advertise what I’m selling so how can I make an income?” “I focus most of my time on planning and less on income-producing activities.” “There’s nothing wrong with me, MAVERICK is great, but I haven’t done a great job of creating income.”

It’s a hard truth to swallow. But here we are… gulp!

I am standing in my own way. I denied it for a long time, but denial doesn’t change anything.

The truth is that I am scared. I know I’m very candid and vulnerable in my writing, but it’s still hard. The idea of putting yourself out there for the world to judge you… it’s a lot. Especially as a known people-pleaser and person who gets crushed by anxiety on the regular. The more MAVERICK grows, the more I put out there for people to absorb, the wider the door opens for people to criticize and reject me.

I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to tolerate the work load. I get overwhelmed easily, I’m not a numbers person, and as clean and organized as my apartment is, I have a hard time organizing “files.” More clients = more to keep track of = more work = more organization = more numbers to keep in order = recipe for Maggie-meltdown.

When I was studying abroad in England, my classmates and I did a killer presentation for a scooter company in the Czech Republic. The feedback I received was “You’re too powerful as a woman speaker, you have to be careful. Here, it’s too much. You should be a little more reserved.” Naturally, I learned that powerful women are intimidating. I don’t believe it. Or, I don’t want to believe it. But, I guess I do. Because one of my fears is that I will become too successful before I find someone to share my life with, and then it’ll be impossible because I’ll be too intimidating. So, to be clear, my fear is that if my business succeeds I’ll be alone forever. Irrational? Very. Real? Yes.

Then I think about all the expectations that would come with succeeding. So MAVERICK takes off, the Mav-pack grows enormously, products are “flying off the shelves,” and I’m touring the States in my van expanding the MAVERICK influence, having all the fun, meeting all the people, and making all the money. Then one morning I wake up and think, “I don’t have anything to say.” There’s people waiting for my next webinar, next speech, next post, next book, next Insta story and I’ve got nothing. Then what? I’ve always rebelled against expectations… why will this be any different? Even if I’m the one setting them, they still exist.

All of these fears are ridiculous. Not that my feelings aren’t valid, they totally are, these are real things that stop me from doing what I love. BUT, they’re ridiculous because they don’t exist. They’re just possibilities. Whereas right now I have fears that are real: If I continue doing what I’m doing with my day job right now, I’ll die from the inside-out; quicker than I care to admit. Instead of inspiring people to live their best lives, I’ll be reprimanding them for having dreams out of resentment. Instead of leading with a positive attitude, I’ll be the cranky boss people talk shit about at the water cooler. I’ll continue to be trading my time for money so I can afford things that I never have time to actually enjoy. I’ll continue to wonder “what if I had really gone after my goals?” and make my way towards old age never having an answer to that question.

Now THOSE are real fears. So really, what do I have to lose? Because at least my made-up fears come with options. I’ve already taken so many risks, built so much within MAVERICK, overcome challenges and people who didn’t accept me, what would stop me from rising again?

NOTHING.

So, I guess I better get out of the way.

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